Dark Side - Kelly Clarkson

Step 1: go to youtube. Watch this music video. It gives context to the entire blog post. Trust me.

Step 2: enjoy trying to decipher my ramblings. haha good luck!!

This song totally hit me tonight. I've noticed in the face of encouragement, I find those very encouragements twisted up in my own brain, and rather than being a source of blessing to me, they become impossible expectations of others. For example, if someone were to compliment me on making a delicious dinner, rather than thinking to myself, "Wow, I'm so glad they appreciated that" it becomes "I'm not a cook. Man will I ever let them down once they realize that. I can make great _______, but I am no natural in the kitchen, and sheesh. Now they think I'm a great cook. Maybe I'll burn the steak next time so they understand a good turnout is the rarity."

Does this make sense? Probably not. However, in the knowledge that my biggest fear in life is failure, it may begin to make more sense. That fear is a really crappy one to have, because it is one of the few fears I have to face daily. Big ol' bugs are another fear, and I may have a day where I do not have to crush a crackly bug underneath my running shoe . . . *shudder* However, my understanding of myself and the rest of humanity is that we mess up. We make mistakes CONSTANTLY, and often have to own up to it and apologize(though we all should probably more do so more often). Being a messed up human is one of those things I just have such a hard time accepting.

But when I do, my brain tends to go to the opposite extreme. It goes, "okay, so you're not perfect. so there must be nothing good in you. whenever someone compliments you, technically they're wrong because they don't know how screwed up you actually are." some of you may wonder where my faith comes in. well, i think i am capable of doing good things sometimes, but only by the grace of God. but even that great theology can get a little twisted in my brain - to the point where God is simply puppeting these limbs and doing good things, even though i'm hopelessly rotten to the core.

is this what being saved is? is this what having Jesus in my heart looks like? a rotten to the core puppet capable of good things, sometimes, maybe?

2 Corinthians 5:17 : Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he/she is a new creation - The old has gone, the new has come!

Christ doesn't leave me rotten. he creates a likeness of himself in me. captive to my sinful flesh, yes; captive to this sinful world, yes. BUT. no longer stranded in hopeless sinfulness. there is something NEW in there.

So how does this relate to Kelly Clarkson? Her song was such grace to me tonight. There were undertones of the lover she sings to loving her dark side itself. but let's be honest, when someone truly loves someone, knowing everything about them, it can start looking confusing. it starts blurring together.

When i think of God's love for me, He knows everything about me. everything i've tried to keep hidden to retain my comfortable reflection of myself, everything i'm utterly ashamed of - he KNOWS me. and yet, nothing. nothing, nothing, NOTHING could ever separate me from His perfect love (Romans 8:28).

Does he love my dark side?
Certainly not. God is called light, and in light there is no darkness at all (1 John 1:5); likewise God places no value in sinfulness.

Does he know I have a dark side? of course.
Does he love me anyway? of course.
Is there any version of me (*yet) that can be totally separate from my own sin? no.

so does God love sin?

No. But he loves me.
It's messy. Thanks be to God.


PS - Seriously, check out the song, it's sick.