what was i thinking

the worst things to pray for are humility and patience-- in order to achieve these things, God will place things in your way that chop your pride off at the knees, and taht drive your patience to the very edge of your sanity.

i realized fairly early in my life that pride and impatience were two of my biggest struggles, and although i have experienced small triumphs in these areas, i would still say they are my biggest challenge. since this unnamed time in my life, i have prayed, asking God to give me the gifts of patience and humility.

what was i thinking?

i've been, over the past few years, tried to the point of near insanity in regards to my patience; in both big things and small. from trying to figure out what i'd do with my life, to ups and downs in friendships. I have needed patience in waiting on God's timing, and patience with myself as i struggle daily to give up the illusion of control over my life i truly don't possess at all.

in terms of humility, i've been cut down quite a few times. i've lost things constantly for pretty much my whole life. for whatever reason, i have a very difficult time keeping track of my own belongings. this has definitely grown my humility through a very painful process.

i also recently attended a church conference, where i was basically an observer. here, i listened to many pastors discuss issues that are relevant to me because of their significance to teh church i belong to. listening to these godly men discuss these issues really grew my humility. when faced with issues i tend to one of the two following approaches: either i settle quickly in on hte one that makes the most sense to me, and then avoid all confrontation for fear that a belief i have built a little corner of my world upon. Or, i decide the issue is too deep for me, and i listen to all points of view, sympathizing with all, and subscribing to none. when it comes to theology, i don't like points of ambiguity and tend towards hte first of these approaches. however, by listening to these men, i realized that (get ready to be shocked everyone)-- i don't actually know everything. huh! who knew?!

i've been talking to a very dear friend of mine lately and he said that God's been showing him so often that when it comes to the truth, so often it's not this or that but rather "both".
this hit me especially hard when i heard hte president of my denomination speak at the convention; he said something like this (paraphrased):
"there's a delicate balance between loving others and having firm and solid confessional beliefs. so often we sway to one side or the other too much and we err. some err on the side of loving people so very much that their beliefs become rather wishy-washy and they no longer hold firm to their beliefs and principles. and some have very solid confessional beliefs, biblical in nature definitely, but lack in the loving others department and end up excluding others as a result."

love for others is important, but when we love others so much that we don't want to admit they're wrong, and perhaps further, we begin to be confused about what right and wrong is; we've done an injustice. both are very important. and by listening to the pastors at this convention, i realized that i can learn from them; that perhaps i really don't know everything, that maybe even I need community because -- huh!-- i'm not really God's gift to the world, that i can fix everyone's problems single-handedly. i have no fear of forgetting that i am valued in the eyes of the Lord, but the problem comes when i start thinking I, in and of myself, can do all things-- without Christ first strengthening me.

so friends. to be all Y-generation on you: it's not "this". and it's not "that".

it's both.